I know it has been a long time since I posted anything..anything at all actually. I don't know what has happened. Ever since I had my last radiation and knew that things were finally over. I've had a hard time. I know it sounds crazy but it is true.
I think part of it is I had a wedding to get ready for on Oct 6. my daughter got married and there was lots to do. I tell ya. I was worried this time last year if I would be be around to see her get married. When you cancer...you just think the worst. Praise God I did see her and this cancer this time will not ever stop me from continuing on to see what the future is like.
I had a hard time adjusting to..not being sick...it has been a very emotional last few months. I'll try to explain. (and just so you know my doctor the way I am feeling is completely normal). I was going to the cancer center everyday. I had my routine. I knew how I was feeling.. I expected to feel bad most days...and I did. I finished...everything.. no going back except for followups. It was time to get on with my life and get back to normal. What is normal? How am I supposed to feel?
I feel sad. Let down. depressed, empty, glad, hopeful, joyful, lost. Yes I am a mess!!!! My doctor stated it as normal...so many emotions...they were my safety net....I didn't have the Cancer Center to go to./ To see my friends still their getting treatments My wonderful healthcare family that took care of me. My wonderful friend Joy that me warm blankets and drinks and made sure I was comfortable during treatments.
I had to start relying on myself again. I almost felt left out.. I was not center of attention anymore. Please don't get me wrong...I really did not like all the attention, but it was what it was. I no longer have excuses for not wanting to do things.. I have no excuse not to cook, clean, vacuum, take care of everything like I used to. Wait...I still can't quiet get it together.
I had to start on hormone blocker medication. This one pill everyday for 5 years is just as important as the chemo was. My cancer fed off my hormones...so guess what...I have to have them all blocked. Do you have any idea what that means?? So the chemo through my body into full menopause..so I got all those symptoms..so let's just magnify the all by 100!!! Moodiness, snappishness, not caring about anything. it goes on and on. I am trying...very hard.
I am having trouble finding joy right now.. I try. I am so thankful to be off that detour of the last 11 months. Yes it has been almost 1 year. My doctors told me it would take about 1 year to get through it all and to get back to a normal life. They were right. One year of my life and my family's life. Not knowing what the future will be like.
I am very blessed for where I am now. It all seems like a bad dream... it is sometimes hard to believe it all actually happened. I sure don't want to relive it just to be sure.
Thank you all for following along with me. I hop to keep on blogging. I would like to think I have helped someone else and I want to continue doing so in some kind of way.
Love to all of you. Melanie
