still chugging a long

I wish I had lots of nice pictures of things to post here.  I have seen others' blogs and they are so nice and colorful. I guess that's actually what they do for a living and have lots of time and the know how.  I have none of that. Sorry.  You will just have to be bored with mine.

It seems since I started back to work I don't have a second extra.  I think that is because by the time I get home I am literally wiped out and can barely do anything.  Then I can't sleep at night , then I can't wake up in the mornings!!!

They said that radiation would make you fatigued.  They were not kidding.  I felt ok the first few weeks then it caught up with me.  BAM!!  Since I had no energy reserve to start with due to chemo, I have no energy on hand.  So I feel pretty good once I wake up... but ...when I do get out of bed I feel like I am about 100 years old.   My feet hit the floor and Can't walk.  My ankles and calves just do not want to bend.  My feet are numb and tingly.   I go to get my coffee cup and I can't hold it by the handle because it makes my fingers hurt.  I do some stretching and try to get my body going  again.  Welcome to my mornings.  About 3 pm everyday it happens.  That fuzzy headed fatigue, just don't feel good thing strikes.  I have to barrel though it because I have to be  at work and I want to try.  I feel like I can't enjoy my work right now. I feel bad most of the day.  I love to talk and get to know my patients, but right now  I could care less...just get them out so I can go home!!!  This is not me at all.

I have 8 more radiation treatments.  My bad boob is not causing me any problems.  One of the side effects from radiation they said would be redness, tenderness like a bad sunburn.  I have some redness but it doesn't bother me at all.  I can tell they are zapping me for longer zaps now.  I'l see what the next 8 bring.

It has been a strange journey.  I now sort of feel that everyone thinks I am well and over it all.  I know this is hard to understand.   I'm not wanting sympathy. I am so glad I am almost finished.  I have had amazing support thru this.  I think it is like I am better, I am working my hair is coming back so I must be OK!!  The real truth is ..I am ok, but I am not well, I am still surviving cancer, I still feel crappy  everyday, I am still waiting on my hair to grow so I don't look like a boy or I don't have a mullet hair cut.  I am still waiting to have energy and feel good so I can do things for my daughters wedding coming up.  I am still waiting to  feel like cooking a good meal most days.  I am still waiting to get my whole life back.   I miss doing all the things I enjoy.. I am still waiting to be ble to sleep thru the night without having take alot of sleep aids, and waking up with my mind a jumble mess and how am I going to feel today.

8 more..I can do this..then recover....I can do this...Please  continue to keep me in your prayers... I am still fighting and struggling.  I pray that God will continue to see me through.  I know he will.  Glenn is still my little engine.. tugging me along. He reminds me when I am low.

Thank you friends.  Thank you for following me thru and encouraging me by ready my posts.  You are my inspiration.

Loves and Hugs  Mel

moving on

I really am trying to keep this up better.  I started back to work about 3 weeks ago and you would think that I had never worked outside the home before.  I cannot seem to find time or the energy to get on !!  It seems that everything is happening so fast!!

I was lying on the radiation table today....well let me just tell you about all this.  I first had to go to my initial  appointment to prepare for radiation.   This involved a CT scan of my bad boob and chest area to make sure the bad lump was all gone... and it was!!!.  Next I had to lay my upper body on this square bean bag looking thing.  I had to put my arms up over my head and be still.  My body made a mold into the beanbag thingy and they sucked all the air out of it and it stayed like that.  So everytime I go for a treatment I am laying the exact same way.  They took a lot of measurements and angles and things and put it all into this machine.  Each time I go I get exactly the perfect amount in the corect places. 

I have the same time appointment everyday.  I just breeze in..go back, put my prety little gown on, lay on my mold... lay still for all about 5 minutes..and I am done!!!

Anyways... getting back to what I wanted to say...as I was laying there today...I had a few minutes..5..to just relax and take a deep breath.  I suddenly thought of everything that has happened.  Six months of chemo..now I am almost half way through with radiation.  What a whirlwind.  What just happend?  I just had a moment.  I had a couple of tears that rolled down my eyes into my ears.  I couldn't wipe them away because they would have to start over if I moved.  I just got suddenly very emotional.  A good emotion.  I was feeling so blessed and fortunate.  I have been having such good days being back at work.  I really love my job.  I just started counting my blessings very quickly and it was a wonderful feeling.

I am finally able to feel like I can move on with my life.  My life had stopped on Dec. 5.  the life I knew and was used to.  I finally feel hope, excitement, energy..(o far with radiation).  I have a daughter getting married in less than 2 months!!!  I got a lot to be excited about!!!  I feel I have a new life.  I am still trying to figure out what my purpose is for having gone thru all this.  I feel like I need to be doing more in some form of  giving back.  I don't know.  For right now I guess I need to  finish totally getting well and getting back to "normal".

Oh I almost forgot to tell you.... I have my own eyebrows now.. actually I need to have them waxed they are getting crazy!!!  I also have thick long eyelashes!!!  It seems they just grew out over night!!  Now the grand fianle......drum roll please............I use my hair dryer for the first time in 6 months!!!!!  I know!!!!..... it didn't really do anthing different..but I did use it!!!!

God bless you all.  I do...  Love  Mel

last days

Good morning.... today was the first morning I actually got up and took a walk with my dog Abbey.   I am going to try to start walking everyday.  I think the gym is out of the question for now.  I have pictures you will see on here.  They were all mostly made the day of my last chemo treatment.

It was a bitter sweet time.  I had , made new friends during the 6 months I was in the Cancer Center. I saw friends leave and finish up before me..I met new friends coming in.  We were all one big family.  I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful all the staff are at the Cancer Center.  They become part of your family.

The ringing of the bell...everyone does this on the last chemo....you are all finished...you made it through...ring that bell!!!

I have some more pictures..but you know me..always hving technical difficulty.  I'll try it again later, and share some more thoughts.  Since I'm back at work all I want to do is count down till dark so I can go to bed!!

Love to all...Mel

I'm back!

I know it has been along time since I have blogged about anything useful of beneficial or inspiring to you all. I really don't know what happened since the last good blog. I will try to explain it.

I believe that when I finished my chemo it was like a whole new chapter was beginning and a bad chapter ending and I had a hard time talking about it. I just decided to live in the newness of what I was feeling. As I reflect back it all seems so foggy and so long ago. "did all?that really happen".? Wow what did happen.?

My life is slowly coming back a normal...well a normal for me. I don't think my life will ever be normal like it used to be. Things have certainly changed...I look at people, life and opportunities differently.

Glenn went on a month long mission trip to Cambodia and Myanmar the week after I finished my last treatment. I was glad for him to go. It was a very meaningful and door opening experience for him...maybe for us both in the near future.

I started getting my hair back a couple of months ago. Now it is about 1-1/2 inches long on my head. The good news is I am so over scarves, headbands and most hats. Glen and I are at the beach right now..It has been so wonderful not to have to have a hat sitting on my head waiting for a big gust of wind to com along and blow it off...can't you see me ..this bald women running down the beach tring to catch my run a way hat.?? hahaha. Now I just wash and go. it is short...but it is still growing and I am proud of my hair!!!!

Much has happened..I started back to work 2 weeks ago. I tried to go back to full days, but I found that was a little too much to start with. I am working half days for awhile. Until I get my stamina built back up. It took more out of me than I thought. I am so thankful for my employers for working with me.

I have so much to share with you all...I don't want to bore you either. I started my radiation 2 weeks ago.. so far that is going well. No problems yet. I will tell you all about that next time.

Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer...two of my friends and followers on here have been diagnosed.  Jane and Maria I think of you everyday.  They would tell me what an inspiration I was being to them and bam!!!! they got bad boobs too. I am telling you people....you never know what direction your life is going to take. Be ready. Be brave. and hold on.

Gotta go back and get out of our hotel..I think WAFFLE house is our next stop!!!!

Love to all and I will finish spilling my soul next time.

Melanie