ok. if you notice bad grammar, it is because i am having to use one hand, so ignore, caps or the lack of etc,.
well been a long time hasn't it. i hit writers block..or maybe no time or just ignoring it all. it is January .wow where did the last year go...sorry no question marks either. i ll get to the reason later..that's a whole other blog. i will have to change the title.
we got through christmas..it was wonderful. so so much to be thankful for. we made it through the worst year of my life. at everyday,,i stopped and remembered what had gone on this date..a year ago. my first onc. appt, having my power port put in, surgery to remove the bad tumor, jan. me, sharon, katie and derek going wig shopping. me and sharon...going to have all my hair cut off..wow really..wow.
it did take one year from start to finish..to get almost back to normal. my body..oh my gosh.that is the worst. you see i was in great shape before all this happened. i felt good, i was going to the gym,,i was good. after the chemo...i lost it all. i mean all folks. i didn't exercise at all,,glenn tells me now that i really ate..alot. so i lost all my muscle tone, i gained 15 pounds and aged 10 yrs. i know...i am thankful i came out with only minor stuff. so i had made it my mission to get back in shape, back in my clothes..which spandex and spanx oner size long shirts are now my fashion statement.
i turn 50 in march and i really wanted to be looking good and havesome muscles back. i mean right now i cannot squat down and push back up...i have to grab something and pull me back up..crazy.
i finally decided to get serious about this last week. i started really watching my diet. started doing pilates in the mornings and looking forward to the rain to stop so i could get out and walk again. i lost 5 lbs in 2 weeks and i felt good about myself again.
ok. so things are going good. i feel good at long last, i have my energy back, i am having good hair again.. i am loving my job,,good good good.
last thursday night we began getting snow. i love snow. i love to sit in my sun room, snowroom..everything that it is. i couldnt see the snoe because my outside lights would no stay on. my like a child was excited. i put my slippers n and step outside to get the motion light to come on....yippeee. i see snow.
here is where it all changes.
i step back in...i remeber going down,,forward..i see my left shoulder hitting the sofa arm..it did not give at all. i felt pain arm, hip and knee. i lay there in complete shock and pain. i immediately start this...ohohohoh..sort of whimpering sound. glenn was in the back..actually he said..mid stream. he comes walking in the room with a little concerned laugh..he thought i had hit my toe or something simple. i was on the floor afraid to move. finally he got me sitting, then in a chair. i just knew i did something bad. i felt around my shoulder i just felt a little crackle, thank goodness there were no bones sticking out anywhere, glenn would of been laid out on the floor
we decided to call thomas..my doctor son n law, who is just a few minutes away, he and katie came right over. he injected my shoulder with numbing meds to help ease the pain. katie was his assistant..she sprayed the freezi stuff so i could't feel the needle as bad,,he forgot to tell her to stop..so i have a little freezer burn. i did't feel the needle!.
we went to the ER. x-rays, morphine, a sling, another immobilizing band. a minimally displaced fracture of greater turbicle humurol head. something like that. i got home. thomas lined me up with a co worker a shoulder specialist. said to keep it still, see him again friday and then see what else if any needs to be done. yay for me!!!!! i am having to very slowly wear glenn's button shirts. can't dry my hair and style it with my brush,,so i am having really bad hair...but wait..i still have wigs!!!!!! not gonna happen.
so yes this is a major set back for me. no exercising,,,no muscle toning,,just getting weaker and flabbier. another winter of not being able to anything i want. of course my legs are good. i guess i could still do some walking. jut don't touch my arm.
hopefully i can get to work and do something worthwhile. so i am having a little trouble having a real good attitude right now. i know i still have a lot to be grateful for. i'm trying.
i feel a nap now...think it's the pain meds..yes it helps, could't make it without it,
ok...we'll see what happens. have an awesome week
Monday, January 21, 2013
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Almost normal
I know it has been a long time since I posted anything..anything at all actually. I don't know what has happened. Ever since I had my last radiation and knew that things were finally over. I've had a hard time. I know it sounds crazy but it is true.
I think part of it is I had a wedding to get ready for on Oct 6. my daughter got married and there was lots to do. I tell ya. I was worried this time last year if I would be be around to see her get married. When you cancer...you just think the worst. Praise God I did see her and this cancer this time will not ever stop me from continuing on to see what the future is like.
I had a hard time adjusting to..not being sick...it has been a very emotional last few months. I'll try to explain. (and just so you know my doctor the way I am feeling is completely normal). I was going to the cancer center everyday. I had my routine. I knew how I was feeling.. I expected to feel bad most days...and I did. I finished...everything.. no going back except for followups. It was time to get on with my life and get back to normal. What is normal? How am I supposed to feel?
I feel sad. Let down. depressed, empty, glad, hopeful, joyful, lost. Yes I am a mess!!!! My doctor stated it as normal...so many emotions...they were my safety net....I didn't have the Cancer Center to go to./ To see my friends still their getting treatments My wonderful healthcare family that took care of me. My wonderful friend Joy that me warm blankets and drinks and made sure I was comfortable during treatments.
I had to start relying on myself again. I almost felt left out.. I was not center of attention anymore. Please don't get me wrong...I really did not like all the attention, but it was what it was. I no longer have excuses for not wanting to do things.. I have no excuse not to cook, clean, vacuum, take care of everything like I used to. Wait...I still can't quiet get it together.
I had to start on hormone blocker medication. This one pill everyday for 5 years is just as important as the chemo was. My cancer fed off my hormones...so guess what...I have to have them all blocked. Do you have any idea what that means?? So the chemo through my body into full menopause..so I got all those symptoms..so let's just magnify the all by 100!!! Moodiness, snappishness, not caring about anything. it goes on and on. I am trying...very hard.
I am having trouble finding joy right now.. I try. I am so thankful to be off that detour of the last 11 months. Yes it has been almost 1 year. My doctors told me it would take about 1 year to get through it all and to get back to a normal life. They were right. One year of my life and my family's life. Not knowing what the future will be like.
I am very blessed for where I am now. It all seems like a bad dream... it is sometimes hard to believe it all actually happened. I sure don't want to relive it just to be sure.
Thank you all for following along with me. I hop to keep on blogging. I would like to think I have helped someone else and I want to continue doing so in some kind of way.
Love to all of you. Melanie
I think part of it is I had a wedding to get ready for on Oct 6. my daughter got married and there was lots to do. I tell ya. I was worried this time last year if I would be be around to see her get married. When you cancer...you just think the worst. Praise God I did see her and this cancer this time will not ever stop me from continuing on to see what the future is like.
I had a hard time adjusting to..not being sick...it has been a very emotional last few months. I'll try to explain. (and just so you know my doctor the way I am feeling is completely normal). I was going to the cancer center everyday. I had my routine. I knew how I was feeling.. I expected to feel bad most days...and I did. I finished...everything.. no going back except for followups. It was time to get on with my life and get back to normal. What is normal? How am I supposed to feel?
I feel sad. Let down. depressed, empty, glad, hopeful, joyful, lost. Yes I am a mess!!!! My doctor stated it as normal...so many emotions...they were my safety net....I didn't have the Cancer Center to go to./ To see my friends still their getting treatments My wonderful healthcare family that took care of me. My wonderful friend Joy that me warm blankets and drinks and made sure I was comfortable during treatments.
I had to start relying on myself again. I almost felt left out.. I was not center of attention anymore. Please don't get me wrong...I really did not like all the attention, but it was what it was. I no longer have excuses for not wanting to do things.. I have no excuse not to cook, clean, vacuum, take care of everything like I used to. Wait...I still can't quiet get it together.
I had to start on hormone blocker medication. This one pill everyday for 5 years is just as important as the chemo was. My cancer fed off my hormones...so guess what...I have to have them all blocked. Do you have any idea what that means?? So the chemo through my body into full menopause..so I got all those symptoms..so let's just magnify the all by 100!!! Moodiness, snappishness, not caring about anything. it goes on and on. I am trying...very hard.
I am having trouble finding joy right now.. I try. I am so thankful to be off that detour of the last 11 months. Yes it has been almost 1 year. My doctors told me it would take about 1 year to get through it all and to get back to a normal life. They were right. One year of my life and my family's life. Not knowing what the future will be like.
I am very blessed for where I am now. It all seems like a bad dream... it is sometimes hard to believe it all actually happened. I sure don't want to relive it just to be sure.
Thank you all for following along with me. I hop to keep on blogging. I would like to think I have helped someone else and I want to continue doing so in some kind of way.
Love to all of you. Melanie
Monday, September 10, 2012
DONE!!!!!
This will be short and sweet.. I will elaborate later. Today was my very last treatment for breast cancer. 16 chemo treatments, 33 radiation treatments... 8 months later...I am done!!! I should say WE are done. I did not do this alone by any means. My little engine that could organized me a celebration party with some family tonight. I just thought we were going over for pizza with Katie Thomas and Derek. My parents and Glenn's parents were already there. I was so surprised!!
At the Cancer Center today, Glenn met me. The radiation team graduated me with a song, a balloon and a diploma. I got to ring the bell symbolizing my completion. It has been a very emotional day. Bitter sweet kind of. I have to sit back and allow all of this to sink in. I feel right now that I have my life back and I'm gona enjoy it!!
Pictures I promise. Stay with me .
Love to ALL...Mel
At the Cancer Center today, Glenn met me. The radiation team graduated me with a song, a balloon and a diploma. I got to ring the bell symbolizing my completion. It has been a very emotional day. Bitter sweet kind of. I have to sit back and allow all of this to sink in. I feel right now that I have my life back and I'm gona enjoy it!!
Pictures I promise. Stay with me .
Love to ALL...Mel
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
countdown
I had no idea so many people are following my blog. Almost weekly I have someone tell that they are keeping up with me. I guess if I can inspire or encourage others, then this has been my purpose.
As of today I have 4 radiation treatments left!!! 4!! I started out with 33!!! WOW it is hard to believe it is almost over. Last week when I saw my doctor I was trying to tell her how crazy I feel. I can't sleep, I ache, I cry...she said it is all normal. She said listen, " your body has gone through dramatic change over the last 8 months. You have had hormonal, chemical physical and mental changes. It will take a few months once we are finished with everything to get you back to a normal state". On thinking about this, she is exactly right. I am messed up!!!
It has defiantly been a struggle for most days. I try so hard to keep up a good appearance. For the most part I do feel OK...just most everyday, by the end of the day I am struggling more. I just keep on going. I'm tired of my life being held back. I miss having fun and being lively. I mostly miss cooking and being with my family sharing a good meal and being together. I used to cook a lot more and have my kids over and just enjoy laughing and having fun... not so much right now. I just can't seem to get the cooking thing back. Most people would be ok with that...not me (well sometime).
I fell like I am missing out o life right now. I have a wedding coming up in 4 weeks.. I got to get it together. I should be feeling much better by then. I better be.. it will be a long day of celebrations.
My radiation treatments have not caused me many problems. The only thing is of right now my bad boob is a complete brown slightly sunburned look. It is tender where the lymph nodes were removed. That is the spot they are concentrating the last 5 treatments. I am still so thankful. I have seen a couple of my friends that are going through the same and they are in misery. They got a lot more burned than I have been. I am so thankful. God is still with me.
I think I mentioned before about my hair coming back... it is really growing and very curly. It seems to be stunted on the very top.. it is very slow coming in, so I still have a mullett look... very sexy. My new eyelashes are much thicker and long than previously.. I certainly don't ave to use as much mascara as before. I'm going to make an appointment to get my brows waxed. They are crazy!!! I am delighted!!!
I know many women are going though what I have gone though and I know many prayers have been said on my behalf. Thank you so much for that. I could not get though without your diligence. I will ask you to add two friends to your prayers, Jane and Maria. They are going though breast cancer and treatments. Let's pray for their health, wellbeing, and their families.
Gonna go now... going into later this morning.. I am trying half days until the end. I just get too tired and weary if I work all day.
God bless you all and have an awesome day!!!!!
Loves and hugs.. Mel
As of today I have 4 radiation treatments left!!! 4!! I started out with 33!!! WOW it is hard to believe it is almost over. Last week when I saw my doctor I was trying to tell her how crazy I feel. I can't sleep, I ache, I cry...she said it is all normal. She said listen, " your body has gone through dramatic change over the last 8 months. You have had hormonal, chemical physical and mental changes. It will take a few months once we are finished with everything to get you back to a normal state". On thinking about this, she is exactly right. I am messed up!!!
It has defiantly been a struggle for most days. I try so hard to keep up a good appearance. For the most part I do feel OK...just most everyday, by the end of the day I am struggling more. I just keep on going. I'm tired of my life being held back. I miss having fun and being lively. I mostly miss cooking and being with my family sharing a good meal and being together. I used to cook a lot more and have my kids over and just enjoy laughing and having fun... not so much right now. I just can't seem to get the cooking thing back. Most people would be ok with that...not me (well sometime).
I fell like I am missing out o life right now. I have a wedding coming up in 4 weeks.. I got to get it together. I should be feeling much better by then. I better be.. it will be a long day of celebrations.
My radiation treatments have not caused me many problems. The only thing is of right now my bad boob is a complete brown slightly sunburned look. It is tender where the lymph nodes were removed. That is the spot they are concentrating the last 5 treatments. I am still so thankful. I have seen a couple of my friends that are going through the same and they are in misery. They got a lot more burned than I have been. I am so thankful. God is still with me.
I think I mentioned before about my hair coming back... it is really growing and very curly. It seems to be stunted on the very top.. it is very slow coming in, so I still have a mullett look... very sexy. My new eyelashes are much thicker and long than previously.. I certainly don't ave to use as much mascara as before. I'm going to make an appointment to get my brows waxed. They are crazy!!! I am delighted!!!
I know many women are going though what I have gone though and I know many prayers have been said on my behalf. Thank you so much for that. I could not get though without your diligence. I will ask you to add two friends to your prayers, Jane and Maria. They are going though breast cancer and treatments. Let's pray for their health, wellbeing, and their families.
Gonna go now... going into later this morning.. I am trying half days until the end. I just get too tired and weary if I work all day.
God bless you all and have an awesome day!!!!!
Loves and hugs.. Mel
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
still chugging a long
I wish I had lots of nice pictures of things to post here. I have seen others' blogs and they are so nice and colorful. I guess that's actually what they do for a living and have lots of time and the know how. I have none of that. Sorry. You will just have to be bored with mine.
It seems since I started back to work I don't have a second extra. I think that is because by the time I get home I am literally wiped out and can barely do anything. Then I can't sleep at night , then I can't wake up in the mornings!!!
They said that radiation would make you fatigued. They were not kidding. I felt ok the first few weeks then it caught up with me. BAM!! Since I had no energy reserve to start with due to chemo, I have no energy on hand. So I feel pretty good once I wake up... but ...when I do get out of bed I feel like I am about 100 years old. My feet hit the floor and Can't walk. My ankles and calves just do not want to bend. My feet are numb and tingly. I go to get my coffee cup and I can't hold it by the handle because it makes my fingers hurt. I do some stretching and try to get my body going again. Welcome to my mornings. About 3 pm everyday it happens. That fuzzy headed fatigue, just don't feel good thing strikes. I have to barrel though it because I have to be at work and I want to try. I feel like I can't enjoy my work right now. I feel bad most of the day. I love to talk and get to know my patients, but right now I could care less...just get them out so I can go home!!! This is not me at all.
I have 8 more radiation treatments. My bad boob is not causing me any problems. One of the side effects from radiation they said would be redness, tenderness like a bad sunburn. I have some redness but it doesn't bother me at all. I can tell they are zapping me for longer zaps now. I'l see what the next 8 bring.
It has been a strange journey. I now sort of feel that everyone thinks I am well and over it all. I know this is hard to understand. I'm not wanting sympathy. I am so glad I am almost finished. I have had amazing support thru this. I think it is like I am better, I am working my hair is coming back so I must be OK!! The real truth is ..I am ok, but I am not well, I am still surviving cancer, I still feel crappy everyday, I am still waiting on my hair to grow so I don't look like a boy or I don't have a mullet hair cut. I am still waiting to have energy and feel good so I can do things for my daughters wedding coming up. I am still waiting to feel like cooking a good meal most days. I am still waiting to get my whole life back. I miss doing all the things I enjoy.. I am still waiting to be ble to sleep thru the night without having take alot of sleep aids, and waking up with my mind a jumble mess and how am I going to feel today.
8 more..I can do this..then recover....I can do this...Please continue to keep me in your prayers... I am still fighting and struggling. I pray that God will continue to see me through. I know he will. Glenn is still my little engine.. tugging me along. He reminds me when I am low.
Thank you friends. Thank you for following me thru and encouraging me by ready my posts. You are my inspiration.
Loves and Hugs Mel
It seems since I started back to work I don't have a second extra. I think that is because by the time I get home I am literally wiped out and can barely do anything. Then I can't sleep at night , then I can't wake up in the mornings!!!
They said that radiation would make you fatigued. They were not kidding. I felt ok the first few weeks then it caught up with me. BAM!! Since I had no energy reserve to start with due to chemo, I have no energy on hand. So I feel pretty good once I wake up... but ...when I do get out of bed I feel like I am about 100 years old. My feet hit the floor and Can't walk. My ankles and calves just do not want to bend. My feet are numb and tingly. I go to get my coffee cup and I can't hold it by the handle because it makes my fingers hurt. I do some stretching and try to get my body going again. Welcome to my mornings. About 3 pm everyday it happens. That fuzzy headed fatigue, just don't feel good thing strikes. I have to barrel though it because I have to be at work and I want to try. I feel like I can't enjoy my work right now. I feel bad most of the day. I love to talk and get to know my patients, but right now I could care less...just get them out so I can go home!!! This is not me at all.
I have 8 more radiation treatments. My bad boob is not causing me any problems. One of the side effects from radiation they said would be redness, tenderness like a bad sunburn. I have some redness but it doesn't bother me at all. I can tell they are zapping me for longer zaps now. I'l see what the next 8 bring.
It has been a strange journey. I now sort of feel that everyone thinks I am well and over it all. I know this is hard to understand. I'm not wanting sympathy. I am so glad I am almost finished. I have had amazing support thru this. I think it is like I am better, I am working my hair is coming back so I must be OK!! The real truth is ..I am ok, but I am not well, I am still surviving cancer, I still feel crappy everyday, I am still waiting on my hair to grow so I don't look like a boy or I don't have a mullet hair cut. I am still waiting to have energy and feel good so I can do things for my daughters wedding coming up. I am still waiting to feel like cooking a good meal most days. I am still waiting to get my whole life back. I miss doing all the things I enjoy.. I am still waiting to be ble to sleep thru the night without having take alot of sleep aids, and waking up with my mind a jumble mess and how am I going to feel today.
8 more..I can do this..then recover....I can do this...Please continue to keep me in your prayers... I am still fighting and struggling. I pray that God will continue to see me through. I know he will. Glenn is still my little engine.. tugging me along. He reminds me when I am low.
Thank you friends. Thank you for following me thru and encouraging me by ready my posts. You are my inspiration.
Loves and Hugs Mel
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
moving on
I really am trying to keep this up better. I started back to work about 3 weeks ago and you would think that I had never worked outside the home before. I cannot seem to find time or the energy to get on !! It seems that everything is happening so fast!!
I was lying on the radiation table today....well let me just tell you about all this. I first had to go to my initial appointment to prepare for radiation. This involved a CT scan of my bad boob and chest area to make sure the bad lump was all gone... and it was!!!. Next I had to lay my upper body on this square bean bag looking thing. I had to put my arms up over my head and be still. My body made a mold into the beanbag thingy and they sucked all the air out of it and it stayed like that. So everytime I go for a treatment I am laying the exact same way. They took a lot of measurements and angles and things and put it all into this machine. Each time I go I get exactly the perfect amount in the corect places.
I have the same time appointment everyday. I just breeze in..go back, put my prety little gown on, lay on my mold... lay still for all about 5 minutes..and I am done!!!
Anyways... getting back to what I wanted to say...as I was laying there today...I had a few minutes..5..to just relax and take a deep breath. I suddenly thought of everything that has happened. Six months of chemo..now I am almost half way through with radiation. What a whirlwind. What just happend? I just had a moment. I had a couple of tears that rolled down my eyes into my ears. I couldn't wipe them away because they would have to start over if I moved. I just got suddenly very emotional. A good emotion. I was feeling so blessed and fortunate. I have been having such good days being back at work. I really love my job. I just started counting my blessings very quickly and it was a wonderful feeling.
I am finally able to feel like I can move on with my life. My life had stopped on Dec. 5. the life I knew and was used to. I finally feel hope, excitement, energy..(o far with radiation). I have a daughter getting married in less than 2 months!!! I got a lot to be excited about!!! I feel I have a new life. I am still trying to figure out what my purpose is for having gone thru all this. I feel like I need to be doing more in some form of giving back. I don't know. For right now I guess I need to finish totally getting well and getting back to "normal".
Oh I almost forgot to tell you.... I have my own eyebrows now.. actually I need to have them waxed they are getting crazy!!! I also have thick long eyelashes!!! It seems they just grew out over night!! Now the grand fianle......drum roll please............I use my hair dryer for the first time in 6 months!!!!! I know!!!!..... it didn't really do anthing different..but I did use it!!!!
God bless you all. I do... Love Mel
I was lying on the radiation table today....well let me just tell you about all this. I first had to go to my initial appointment to prepare for radiation. This involved a CT scan of my bad boob and chest area to make sure the bad lump was all gone... and it was!!!. Next I had to lay my upper body on this square bean bag looking thing. I had to put my arms up over my head and be still. My body made a mold into the beanbag thingy and they sucked all the air out of it and it stayed like that. So everytime I go for a treatment I am laying the exact same way. They took a lot of measurements and angles and things and put it all into this machine. Each time I go I get exactly the perfect amount in the corect places.
I have the same time appointment everyday. I just breeze in..go back, put my prety little gown on, lay on my mold... lay still for all about 5 minutes..and I am done!!!
Anyways... getting back to what I wanted to say...as I was laying there today...I had a few minutes..5..to just relax and take a deep breath. I suddenly thought of everything that has happened. Six months of chemo..now I am almost half way through with radiation. What a whirlwind. What just happend? I just had a moment. I had a couple of tears that rolled down my eyes into my ears. I couldn't wipe them away because they would have to start over if I moved. I just got suddenly very emotional. A good emotion. I was feeling so blessed and fortunate. I have been having such good days being back at work. I really love my job. I just started counting my blessings very quickly and it was a wonderful feeling.
I am finally able to feel like I can move on with my life. My life had stopped on Dec. 5. the life I knew and was used to. I finally feel hope, excitement, energy..(o far with radiation). I have a daughter getting married in less than 2 months!!! I got a lot to be excited about!!! I feel I have a new life. I am still trying to figure out what my purpose is for having gone thru all this. I feel like I need to be doing more in some form of giving back. I don't know. For right now I guess I need to finish totally getting well and getting back to "normal".
Oh I almost forgot to tell you.... I have my own eyebrows now.. actually I need to have them waxed they are getting crazy!!! I also have thick long eyelashes!!! It seems they just grew out over night!! Now the grand fianle......drum roll please............I use my hair dryer for the first time in 6 months!!!!! I know!!!!..... it didn't really do anthing different..but I did use it!!!!
God bless you all. I do... Love Mel
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
last days
Good morning.... today was the first morning I actually got up and took a walk with my dog Abbey. I am going to try to start walking everyday. I think the gym is out of the question for now. I have pictures you will see on here. They were all mostly made the day of my last chemo treatment.
It was a bitter sweet time. I had , made new friends during the 6 months I was in the Cancer Center. I saw friends leave and finish up before me..I met new friends coming in. We were all one big family. I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful all the staff are at the Cancer Center. They become part of your family.
The ringing of the bell...everyone does this on the last chemo....you are all finished...you made it through...ring that bell!!!
I have some more pictures..but you know me..always hving technical difficulty. I'll try it again later, and share some more thoughts. Since I'm back at work all I want to do is count down till dark so I can go to bed!!
Love to all...Mel
The ringing of the bell...everyone does this on the last chemo....you are all finished...you made it through...ring that bell!!!
I have some more pictures..but you know me..always hving technical difficulty. I'll try it again later, and share some more thoughts. Since I'm back at work all I want to do is count down till dark so I can go to bed!!
Love to all...Mel
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