Good morning followers and friends, I have much to share with you today.
So "chuck" has began to prove how ugly it is last week After my last treatment things got ugly. After a few days of ugliness I did began to feel better. I am assuming that is supposed to happen. After all, my body is being intoxicated with killer medicine to fight chuck. Excitement at my house!! We were blessed to get our house refinanced several months ago before chuck struck...so now we are finally able to build a sunroom we have been wanting for a while. The guys showed up early this morning with shovels, sand, picks, hammers, bobcat etc. Right now they are tearing off the old decking. I will be supplying them cold drinks and snacks.. They are a super hardworking group of guys. I will keep you posted with the progress and will show you pictures. I know your excited!!!
I have had a few reality check moments this weekend. You know I have no hair on my head now except just a little bit of nubbiness scattered. I wish it would come on out. I haven't shaved my legs in several weeks because they were so silky soft and I thought all my leg hair had fallen out. Well I just happend to be looking at them the other day and there is hair there!!!!! The silkiness I was feeling was long soft hairy legs!!!! yikes!!!!!! I do have to get my razor backout after all!!
I mostly always wear something on my head even in the house. I am not so comfortable going natural all the time. I do get tired of something on my head all the time.. do I wear my wig or do I wear a hat? Do I want to look frail or do I want to look normal? These are the questions I come to you for! So I find myself doing both. I dont care if I have a hat on and people give me quick glance so as not to make eye contact. I know that "Oh I am so sorry for you look". Or that that" I know I should speak to you because I have known you for years, but I don't know what to say..so I will just go the other way" thought also. It's OK. I have done the same things. It's just a weird situation.
Glenn and I had a sweet little talk last night. This whole thing has changed our lives. It has changed how I think I feel. I mean..this is so hard to explain. I know I am kinda frail..but do I act like it and not do things that I think I could do? Like pick up some limbs in the yard? Do I go full force at it like I am good or do I act frail and stay inside like a sick person. I never have total good days, I cannot tell you the last time my head and stomach felt totally normal. I have accepted that this is the way it is going to be for a while and I just do the best I can. If I want to take a couple extra naps I do. If I want to go walk around the Antique Mall a while. I will. I just do what ever I feel like at the time.
Yes this does change your realtionship with your spouse. There are so many emotions and feelings about things couples do and their relationship. Last night Glenn and I were talking about our relationship and how I feel like I am not being a good wife. That I feel defective inside and out. This is hard on us people!! But he still kisses my bald head everyday. He can't read my blogs yet. It makes him too sad. But he listens to everything and knows every feeling I have. He sees me first hand and knows what to do.
This is what my sweet Glennie Poo told me....he said "I cannot think about all the things that are going on with you, I am not in denial because I am here for you, listen to you, help you and I know you are going thru a bad time, but we are on a train track..there are several stops along the way. I am the conducter and I keep us going on it. Some are bad and some are good. At the end of this track is a wonderful life ...this bad part will be over....that is our destination. Think of me as your little Engine that Could....I will pull you through all of this." He is my hero.
Thank you Lord for my wonderful husband you placed in my life, and thank you for my wonderful life I have right now. Amen.
Loves and hugs Mel
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
celebrate
Wow..I just a scare..I went to my blog to post and it said it is not longer here? What? Oh I hit the wrong key. It's all good. Been sitting here going through insurance statements, bills, etc. this is like a part-time job just keeping up with all that! If you don't keep on top of it..you could find out that things aren't always the way they seem on all those pages. I spend a good deal of my time about 2 times week going through all these things. Makng sure the amounts match what they say I owe, if the Ins. matches what the provider says I owe... and to make it worse...you don't just get billed from one place of service. Just because you went to ONE place you get little pieces of bills from everyone. I know have six different business that I am getting bills from but only went to one place. How do people keep up with this? It is crazy!!
Welcome to my world...crazy. My head has gone crazy. I am finding myself not able to think clearly. Example....my words escape my mouth...I am trying to think of something and it wont come out. I opened the refrigerator door this morning to put my pop parts in to toast!!! I have to have family complete my sentences now. I officially have chemo brain!!!! It is real.
My wonderful Momma celebrated her 80th birthday last night. We all were able to go out to eat together with family and a few special friends. What a wonderful thing to get to celebrate.
A little funny,....if you know my Daddy.you know what a cut up he can be. Well we went to a Mexican place to eat now. So most everything is having to be explained to him and a couple of the other ones about what things are and how to order. Well...my Daddy is trying to order..he said. I want the Hawaiian chicken... I want a baked tater with that. ...I'm like really? do they even have those..and I want a chef salad. The waiter looked around and just smiled. Katie said : Grandaddy look around you..we are not in a steak house". He got his tater and his salad. It was a fun night.
I ate much! I ate it all. If one thing has not been hindered it is my appetite. I can eat everything and it is good. I make sure my family sees that I m doing ok... especially the parents. I sat across from Daddy..he always gets real serious at some point when we are together to ask me how I am and to make sure I am ok. Last night when I was chowing down on everything on my plate.. I made the comment about how good it was and how much I was eating...he stopped and looked over at me to make sure ...I know that helped him...to see that I really was doing good.
I can't quite seem to shake this last treatment as good as previous ones. I run out of steam so fast. I guess it was good while it lasted. I live on my nausea meds most days. It does help!!!
I still have so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful it has really not been so bad. I am so thankful for the people I have around me, supporting, praying, calling cooking and yes...helping keep the house up. I just need someone to give our dog Abby a bath!!! Anyone???
Looks like it is going to be a beautiful couple of days, I may try to sit out side in the shade a little. I'll try not to burn my head...although I could use a little tan up there!!
Have a great day God Bless you all, Mel
Welcome to my world...crazy. My head has gone crazy. I am finding myself not able to think clearly. Example....my words escape my mouth...I am trying to think of something and it wont come out. I opened the refrigerator door this morning to put my pop parts in to toast!!! I have to have family complete my sentences now. I officially have chemo brain!!!! It is real.
My wonderful Momma celebrated her 80th birthday last night. We all were able to go out to eat together with family and a few special friends. What a wonderful thing to get to celebrate.
A little funny,....if you know my Daddy.you know what a cut up he can be. Well we went to a Mexican place to eat now. So most everything is having to be explained to him and a couple of the other ones about what things are and how to order. Well...my Daddy is trying to order..he said. I want the Hawaiian chicken... I want a baked tater with that. ...I'm like really? do they even have those..and I want a chef salad. The waiter looked around and just smiled. Katie said : Grandaddy look around you..we are not in a steak house". He got his tater and his salad. It was a fun night.
I ate much! I ate it all. If one thing has not been hindered it is my appetite. I can eat everything and it is good. I make sure my family sees that I m doing ok... especially the parents. I sat across from Daddy..he always gets real serious at some point when we are together to ask me how I am and to make sure I am ok. Last night when I was chowing down on everything on my plate.. I made the comment about how good it was and how much I was eating...he stopped and looked over at me to make sure ...I know that helped him...to see that I really was doing good.
I can't quite seem to shake this last treatment as good as previous ones. I run out of steam so fast. I guess it was good while it lasted. I live on my nausea meds most days. It does help!!!
I still have so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful it has really not been so bad. I am so thankful for the people I have around me, supporting, praying, calling cooking and yes...helping keep the house up. I just need someone to give our dog Abby a bath!!! Anyone???
Looks like it is going to be a beautiful couple of days, I may try to sit out side in the shade a little. I'll try not to burn my head...although I could use a little tan up there!!
Have a great day God Bless you all, Mel
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Life's Path
Well I can't decide if I feel bad enough to wallow around in self pity or suck it up and get up and do something. This post-treatment has made me feel a little ....strange. It's hard to describe...I feel nauseated but really not bad enough to take strong medicine. I feel very weepy...I cry at everything. I mean yesterday was such a pretty day... I finally got up off the couch. showered, dressed in something besides sweats...thought I would feel better....but no...I still felt crappy. I guess this is what to expect .. each treatment gets a little worse. It make you feel just crazy.
I don't want to do anything..I have all these little projects I have to work on..not big things..just small simple finish in an hour crafty things. What happened to me cooking? That doesn't take a lot of creativity. Is this all normal? To lose interest in things I used to like?
This whole chuck thing is so interrupting my life. You know how things are going along just great...your cars just got paid off, kids are doing great with their lives...everyone is healthy...things are really looking up....then BAM!!!! you get popped! A set back. A life changer. We as humans have to wonder why. I don't question what the Lord does..I know this is all part of His plan for me. I just go with it and pray.
This whole being sick thing is getting old. Don't get me wrong..I really appreciate all the concerns, prayers, cards, food, calls and everything all you wonderful people do for me. It's just that I don't want to be the recipient of all this. It makes me sad. It makes me feel like I am sick...and I am. I don't want to be. I know I have along way to go before its over...what 13 more treatments...yippy!!!
I am not a very patient person. One thing I am so thankful about is this happened to me...I could not bear it if this were happening to one of my children or another family member. I know I can get thru this.
So this week I am going to try to get off my behind and plan my garden. Usually by now I would have my little green house going with some herbs and plants I would start from seeds. No not now..I am sick. I think I really need to focus on how sick I really am. I may be fooling myself. We shall see.
LOves and hugs...Have a great Sunday. Mel
Joshua 1:9- I command you -be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with your wherever you go.
I don't want to do anything..I have all these little projects I have to work on..not big things..just small simple finish in an hour crafty things. What happened to me cooking? That doesn't take a lot of creativity. Is this all normal? To lose interest in things I used to like?
This whole chuck thing is so interrupting my life. You know how things are going along just great...your cars just got paid off, kids are doing great with their lives...everyone is healthy...things are really looking up....then BAM!!!! you get popped! A set back. A life changer. We as humans have to wonder why. I don't question what the Lord does..I know this is all part of His plan for me. I just go with it and pray.
This whole being sick thing is getting old. Don't get me wrong..I really appreciate all the concerns, prayers, cards, food, calls and everything all you wonderful people do for me. It's just that I don't want to be the recipient of all this. It makes me sad. It makes me feel like I am sick...and I am. I don't want to be. I know I have along way to go before its over...what 13 more treatments...yippy!!!
I am not a very patient person. One thing I am so thankful about is this happened to me...I could not bear it if this were happening to one of my children or another family member. I know I can get thru this.
So this week I am going to try to get off my behind and plan my garden. Usually by now I would have my little green house going with some herbs and plants I would start from seeds. No not now..I am sick. I think I really need to focus on how sick I really am. I may be fooling myself. We shall see.
LOves and hugs...Have a great Sunday. Mel
Joshua 1:9- I command you -be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with your wherever you go.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Smiles and tears
Hello followers. I am finding out that I have many more people reading my blog than I knew. Thank you. I know it's a little boring...I'm still trying to figure out how to spruce it up and make it colorful and exciting. Don't give up on me.
Yesterday my third treatment went well. Katie went with me this time. We had good girl time, looking at wedding stuff and just being together. I met a couple of ladies getting their treatments too. We are on the same schedule. As I talked with them and got to know them we all found out a little about our situations. One lady had Stage 3 with possible mastectomy...She was upset and worried about her life will never be normal as she once knew it. Her treatments made her so sick. When she asked about me...I almost felt guilty...all I could say was that I was doing wonderful and I have not been sick at all.
I guess I shouldn't feel guilty but I do. I just say I am very blessed. I know things could change at anytime. I have one more treatment with the current drugs, then I go to once a week on a new drug. That might be the one that is does me in. We will have to wait and see.
When I got home yesterday...Katie came back over..to stay awhile and cook us dinner. She made a new recipe called Spinach brownies..no they were not sweet, more like a quiche. Was very good. She worries about her Momma, and I worry about her worrying!
I don't have much funny stuff to tell ya about...kinda boring right now. When something whacky happens I will be sure to tell you.
Something to add. I had surprise deliver from my family at WOFP. Where I am employed. I got a wonderful ballon bouquet and candy. That really brightend my day. I got several cards from brothers and sisters at my church. I never knew how much people really care.
Then I go out side just now to take the garbage can to the road, that Glenn just texted me and said he for forgot (with a snicker),. When I come back..I had a basket with supper tonight and a cute boob cancer t-shirt. Casey..once again..I can't figure out how you are so sneaky like that. I'm going to catch you one of these days. Thank you so much. So I cried a litttel becuse sometimes I fell overwhelmed or un worthy or surprised at how much love and care people really do have for.
I'm going to try to get some pictures on here. Wish me luck!!
Thanks friends and have an awesome weekend!
Loves and hugs, Melanie
John 16:33-"Here on Earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
Yesterday my third treatment went well. Katie went with me this time. We had good girl time, looking at wedding stuff and just being together. I met a couple of ladies getting their treatments too. We are on the same schedule. As I talked with them and got to know them we all found out a little about our situations. One lady had Stage 3 with possible mastectomy...She was upset and worried about her life will never be normal as she once knew it. Her treatments made her so sick. When she asked about me...I almost felt guilty...all I could say was that I was doing wonderful and I have not been sick at all.
I guess I shouldn't feel guilty but I do. I just say I am very blessed. I know things could change at anytime. I have one more treatment with the current drugs, then I go to once a week on a new drug. That might be the one that is does me in. We will have to wait and see.
When I got home yesterday...Katie came back over..to stay awhile and cook us dinner. She made a new recipe called Spinach brownies..no they were not sweet, more like a quiche. Was very good. She worries about her Momma, and I worry about her worrying!
I don't have much funny stuff to tell ya about...kinda boring right now. When something whacky happens I will be sure to tell you.
Something to add. I had surprise deliver from my family at WOFP. Where I am employed. I got a wonderful ballon bouquet and candy. That really brightend my day. I got several cards from brothers and sisters at my church. I never knew how much people really care.
Then I go out side just now to take the garbage can to the road, that Glenn just texted me and said he for forgot (with a snicker),. When I come back..I had a basket with supper tonight and a cute boob cancer t-shirt. Casey..once again..I can't figure out how you are so sneaky like that. I'm going to catch you one of these days. Thank you so much. So I cried a litttel becuse sometimes I fell overwhelmed or un worthy or surprised at how much love and care people really do have for.
I'm going to try to get some pictures on here. Wish me luck!!
Thanks friends and have an awesome weekend!
Loves and hugs, Melanie
John 16:33-"Here on Earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
A matter of inconvenience
I usually go to my little office I have made for myself. Actually it is a shrine to me... It is a little desk in the spare room..I have made my own little corner....candles, favorite pictures, organized insurance, bill stuff. Made it pretty and girlie. I usually go there each morning and think about the day, do my blogging or just sit and think about things in general and look at all the stuff around me that makes me happy. Today I am not in there. It is too cold. We use our fireplace with insert when it is really cold..like this weekend, and we shut off our extra rooms in the back we don't use. My room is one of them.
Speaking of cold...we use gas to heat. Yesterday I see this big pink truck come backing up my driveway. I looked and it's our gas company coming to fill our tank. The truck was painted totally pink..on the side it said " Race for the Cure..Susan Komen". I was delighted..I wanted to run out in my pj's and say " I have breast cancer.....too.....thank you"! But I didn't...hairless and braless is not very nice. I didn't want to scare the poor guy to death!
Yesterday I went to class at the Cancer Center call Look Good ....Feel better. It is a class sponsored by the National Cancer Society. Volunteers come to help those of us who are going thru this change...to feel better about ourselves. We got a bag full of name brand skin care and cosmetics. I love cosmetics. These ladies teach you how to put on makeup when you need eyelashes, eye brows....anything to help us look normal again. Fortunately I still have mine....all except the hair. She showed us to trick to make the cutest little head covering out of an old T-shirt. No sewing required... jut cut and wrap!!
I met another lady in class..we have the same schedule...chemo the same days, the day after shot the ...same hair style. It is amazing the wonderful people you meet along this journey. It keeps reminding me...I am not alone on this bad scary road.
Sunday was not a good day for me. I couldn't get dressed..I couldn't stay a wake, and I cried alot. I really don't know why.. Just because. I am entitled to days like that. Some days I really forget my life has changed ...then reality hits and I think about how my life is right now and it SUCKS!!!! Yes I am very blessed that my poison treatments are not giving me bad side effects and I feel good most of the time. It is just very inconvenient!!!!!!
I loved my job, I can't do right now. I have to plan everything on how I feel, plan around treatments.."will I feel good..will I be sick" I don't know so I have to wait and see. Oh and how bout this one....I know I am sick..so am I supposed to feel sick? If I do too much will I feel bad? Do I really still need to rest more? When can I have a fresh fruit and a salad when I go out to eat. When will everyone stop telling me..."don't touch that, did you use your hand sanitizer? "Do not hug people" Do you know how hard that is for me not to do?
So the decisions I seem to be making these days are...do I sleep in today, what do I put on my head this morning...scarf..nah..makes me look like a cancer patient, Turpin...I hate that word....a cute little soft hat...yes..or my wig...not in the house. I need to go out to buy a special Valentines gift. I promise I will use hand sanitizer and not hug anyone. I will pull my shoes off at the door and wash my hands again when I come in. If I pet the dogs that have been outside I will wash my hands again.
Today will be a good day. I have a special long time friend coming over for a visit today. It will be nice to see her...I will make sure the hand sanitizer is available ands she pulls her shoes off too!!
I really am thankful things are going so good. I am especially thankful for my family that makes sure I am doing everything I should to keep me healthy. I am blessed that I have a husband that doesn't mind kissing my bald head every day!!! I am truley blessed by all this.
Loves and Hugs..Mel
Speaking of cold...we use gas to heat. Yesterday I see this big pink truck come backing up my driveway. I looked and it's our gas company coming to fill our tank. The truck was painted totally pink..on the side it said " Race for the Cure..Susan Komen". I was delighted..I wanted to run out in my pj's and say " I have breast cancer.....too.....thank you"! But I didn't...hairless and braless is not very nice. I didn't want to scare the poor guy to death!
Yesterday I went to class at the Cancer Center call Look Good ....Feel better. It is a class sponsored by the National Cancer Society. Volunteers come to help those of us who are going thru this change...to feel better about ourselves. We got a bag full of name brand skin care and cosmetics. I love cosmetics. These ladies teach you how to put on makeup when you need eyelashes, eye brows....anything to help us look normal again. Fortunately I still have mine....all except the hair. She showed us to trick to make the cutest little head covering out of an old T-shirt. No sewing required... jut cut and wrap!!
I met another lady in class..we have the same schedule...chemo the same days, the day after shot the ...same hair style. It is amazing the wonderful people you meet along this journey. It keeps reminding me...I am not alone on this bad scary road.
Sunday was not a good day for me. I couldn't get dressed..I couldn't stay a wake, and I cried alot. I really don't know why.. Just because. I am entitled to days like that. Some days I really forget my life has changed ...then reality hits and I think about how my life is right now and it SUCKS!!!! Yes I am very blessed that my poison treatments are not giving me bad side effects and I feel good most of the time. It is just very inconvenient!!!!!!
I loved my job, I can't do right now. I have to plan everything on how I feel, plan around treatments.."will I feel good..will I be sick" I don't know so I have to wait and see. Oh and how bout this one....I know I am sick..so am I supposed to feel sick? If I do too much will I feel bad? Do I really still need to rest more? When can I have a fresh fruit and a salad when I go out to eat. When will everyone stop telling me..."don't touch that, did you use your hand sanitizer? "Do not hug people" Do you know how hard that is for me not to do?
So the decisions I seem to be making these days are...do I sleep in today, what do I put on my head this morning...scarf..nah..makes me look like a cancer patient, Turpin...I hate that word....a cute little soft hat...yes..or my wig...not in the house. I need to go out to buy a special Valentines gift. I promise I will use hand sanitizer and not hug anyone. I will pull my shoes off at the door and wash my hands again when I come in. If I pet the dogs that have been outside I will wash my hands again.
Today will be a good day. I have a special long time friend coming over for a visit today. It will be nice to see her...I will make sure the hand sanitizer is available ands she pulls her shoes off too!!
I really am thankful things are going so good. I am especially thankful for my family that makes sure I am doing everything I should to keep me healthy. I am blessed that I have a husband that doesn't mind kissing my bald head every day!!! I am truley blessed by all this.
Loves and Hugs..Mel
Friday, February 10, 2012
gone wild
Well...I guess all this chemo is starting to affect my mood, hormones, everything. My doc said it would throw my body right into menopause, not gradually, like normal people, but fast. Great. Is that why I have been so bitchy the last week or so? Glenn is ready to kick me out. Anybody got an extra room for a few weeks? I don't mean to be grouchy...it just comes out that way.
Could it be to that I am going stir crazy being at home everyday? I try to get out several days a week. I stay busy. Am I supposed to have dinner cooked everyday just because I am at home? I don't know the rules of all this.
I did get a personal training session for a home work out the other night. I'm excited about that. I like working out and have missed it. I realize just because I am "sick" I can still be in shape. I really want to start running a little again. I have always had a goal of being a runner and doing some runs. I think I can do this. Wish I had someone that wanted to do this with me????
Ok so men don't understand us women anyway...I sometimes don't even understand us. Throw a total major life change illness, total self image downer, hormones gone wild and see what happens. I guess most of the time it is easiest to lash out on the ones that are closest to us. I need a prayer of patience and calmness so I will be nice.
Happy Friday everyone. I'm going to go work on my nice skills.
Loves and hugs, Mel
Could it be to that I am going stir crazy being at home everyday? I try to get out several days a week. I stay busy. Am I supposed to have dinner cooked everyday just because I am at home? I don't know the rules of all this.
I did get a personal training session for a home work out the other night. I'm excited about that. I like working out and have missed it. I realize just because I am "sick" I can still be in shape. I really want to start running a little again. I have always had a goal of being a runner and doing some runs. I think I can do this. Wish I had someone that wanted to do this with me????
Ok so men don't understand us women anyway...I sometimes don't even understand us. Throw a total major life change illness, total self image downer, hormones gone wild and see what happens. I guess most of the time it is easiest to lash out on the ones that are closest to us. I need a prayer of patience and calmness so I will be nice.
Happy Friday everyone. I'm going to go work on my nice skills.
Loves and hugs, Mel
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
a great hair day!!!!
OMGoodness!!!! I know I already posted one time today..but something just happened and I am about to burst to share it with somebody..no one is at home and I don't think the dogs really care.
Ya know how I was just saying how I hated my wig? Well guess what. I just got another one..in the mail..I didn't try it on....guess what? I LOVE it!!!!!!! I took a chance on one that I really liked in the catalog...I ordered it and have been anxiously awaiting its arrival hoping it would come this week.
Derek ordered me a new phone too....a smart phone...like I really need that. He said it would come today. So I was in the back trying to do something with my hair (wig) and the door bell rang... It was the FEd Ex truck with not one...but two packages with my name on them. I picked the one from the wig company and frantically opened the box..just like a kid at Christmas I tell ya. I tore it open and pulled out the new hair...shook it....,thats what your supposed to do to get it all lose before you wear it,...popped it on my head ...adjusted and woooohooooooo!!!!!! I am blonde again. I love it. I promise I will not be snipping on this one. It is almost like my regular hair style..its flippy and everything
Now if one person has one negative thing to say about it...I promise I am just going to start going around with nothing on my head!!!!
Ok just had to share. I may try to get some pics on here of both soon.
oh yea I need to go open my phone!!!!
See ya. Mel
Ya know how I was just saying how I hated my wig? Well guess what. I just got another one..in the mail..I didn't try it on....guess what? I LOVE it!!!!!!! I took a chance on one that I really liked in the catalog...I ordered it and have been anxiously awaiting its arrival hoping it would come this week.
Derek ordered me a new phone too....a smart phone...like I really need that. He said it would come today. So I was in the back trying to do something with my hair (wig) and the door bell rang... It was the FEd Ex truck with not one...but two packages with my name on them. I picked the one from the wig company and frantically opened the box..just like a kid at Christmas I tell ya. I tore it open and pulled out the new hair...shook it....,thats what your supposed to do to get it all lose before you wear it,...popped it on my head ...adjusted and woooohooooooo!!!!!! I am blonde again. I love it. I promise I will not be snipping on this one. It is almost like my regular hair style..its flippy and everything
Now if one person has one negative thing to say about it...I promise I am just going to start going around with nothing on my head!!!!
Ok just had to share. I may try to get some pics on here of both soon.
oh yea I need to go open my phone!!!!
See ya. Mel
Confusion
Today I am just confused. I get up each morning and I usually have certain tasks to do. I hardly ever have a day that I don't have to go somewhere to take care of some kind of business, go to work for a few hours, go to Katie's and help her with something....I am glad to be able to do these things. That's why I am confused. I thought I would be home bound and sickly and not able to do these things.
I am able to do these things..without any problems. I forget that I have a disease, I have a sickness. I have cancer..( oh I hate to even type that out). I' m so thankful to be able to do almost anything I want. Then, I look in the mirror and see my self. Reality comes creeping back. I have no hair. I am bald. I have two scars on my breast. I have this hard weird thing sticking out just under my skin like a little alien waiting to pop out. It's purpose ....to hook up the drugs that poison my body, to kill the bad cells and it kills the good cells. I see a stranger.
Life goes on for everyone around me. Mine goes on, but it has changed. Most days I feel great! Then why do I feel like a prisoner? I feel confined in many ways. If I want to go out and not look like a "cancer patient"...I have to put my wig on...which I have grown to hate. I feel so fake in it. Or I can put one of my many hats on....that really looks obvious. I could go natural! Make a bold statement! Then I would look like a freak and everyone would look the other way or smile at me pitifully.
I try to keep busy. There is always stuff to do in the house...ya know laundry, dishes, cooking... I love being at home. Some days I am busy but I don't really know what I do? Alot of days I find myself just sitting looking out the window and just contemplating....things. I have made myself a "my place". I have a desk in the extra room. I made it personal with my own special books, basket, candle, lamp, calendar. I like sitting there with my computer. I do alot of work there. I am there right now. It is calming. It is my space.!
Sometimes I may feel something like a numbness, or a heaviness, or a headache and I wonder if that is the chemo or am I just paranoid, or is it just my imagination? I don't know.
I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I have had two treatments. 14 to go...14!!!!!! 6 months worth!!!!! Will I get to go to the beach this Spring and Summer? I will have to be covered from head to toe!! Will I be more sick? Will I feel great? I don't know!!!! I may not can go back to work and do my regular job, which is work with sick people, for 6 months!!!!! I love my job!!! I miss it!!!
Ok so, back to reality for now. I was a avid gym goer, up until December. I surely can't go back to the gym in the cess pool of bacteria and germs. I have gotten soft and weak. I want to be strong and healthy. A great person from the gym said he would come to my house and help me with some workout routines I can do at home. Isn't that awesome! There are really kind and generous people in this world.
So I have chosen to not sit around waiting to see what is going to happen. I am going to do what I want..within reason..I still have the germ Nazi's watching. Today I start..I am working a few hours this afternoon, first workout tonight. I may wear a hat to work today...who cares? I have no hair..it is what it is. I can't change that.
So I keep reminding myself, in one year my detour will be over..I will be back on the familiar road of life. It might not be normal because what is normal?...it is just life.
Loves and hugs....Mel
I am able to do these things..without any problems. I forget that I have a disease, I have a sickness. I have cancer..( oh I hate to even type that out). I' m so thankful to be able to do almost anything I want. Then, I look in the mirror and see my self. Reality comes creeping back. I have no hair. I am bald. I have two scars on my breast. I have this hard weird thing sticking out just under my skin like a little alien waiting to pop out. It's purpose ....to hook up the drugs that poison my body, to kill the bad cells and it kills the good cells. I see a stranger.
Life goes on for everyone around me. Mine goes on, but it has changed. Most days I feel great! Then why do I feel like a prisoner? I feel confined in many ways. If I want to go out and not look like a "cancer patient"...I have to put my wig on...which I have grown to hate. I feel so fake in it. Or I can put one of my many hats on....that really looks obvious. I could go natural! Make a bold statement! Then I would look like a freak and everyone would look the other way or smile at me pitifully.
I try to keep busy. There is always stuff to do in the house...ya know laundry, dishes, cooking... I love being at home. Some days I am busy but I don't really know what I do? Alot of days I find myself just sitting looking out the window and just contemplating....things. I have made myself a "my place". I have a desk in the extra room. I made it personal with my own special books, basket, candle, lamp, calendar. I like sitting there with my computer. I do alot of work there. I am there right now. It is calming. It is my space.!
Sometimes I may feel something like a numbness, or a heaviness, or a headache and I wonder if that is the chemo or am I just paranoid, or is it just my imagination? I don't know.
I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I have had two treatments. 14 to go...14!!!!!! 6 months worth!!!!! Will I get to go to the beach this Spring and Summer? I will have to be covered from head to toe!! Will I be more sick? Will I feel great? I don't know!!!! I may not can go back to work and do my regular job, which is work with sick people, for 6 months!!!!! I love my job!!! I miss it!!!
Ok so, back to reality for now. I was a avid gym goer, up until December. I surely can't go back to the gym in the cess pool of bacteria and germs. I have gotten soft and weak. I want to be strong and healthy. A great person from the gym said he would come to my house and help me with some workout routines I can do at home. Isn't that awesome! There are really kind and generous people in this world.
So I have chosen to not sit around waiting to see what is going to happen. I am going to do what I want..within reason..I still have the germ Nazi's watching. Today I start..I am working a few hours this afternoon, first workout tonight. I may wear a hat to work today...who cares? I have no hair..it is what it is. I can't change that.
So I keep reminding myself, in one year my detour will be over..I will be back on the familiar road of life. It might not be normal because what is normal?...it is just life.
Loves and hugs....Mel
Monday, February 6, 2012
Understanding
Good morning all. Today is a new day....thank goodness. Yesterday was just a little rough for me. I was emotional all day. I think that is OK...my cousine commented that I had to mourn..I thouhgt about that..and it's right. I have lost something...me....and I do need to morn my personal loss at times. I mean I am still here...I am just here differently. It's hard to explain.
I have not seen the sun for several days...(and I take medication for that). My Derek came home for a visit. He stayed at my house. He usually doesn't do that...he usually stays at Katie's...I think he misses me!! It was so good to see him and talk to him and be able know that he is alright. WE had a great weekend being all together. Momma's chicken dumplings, Sharon's pintos we all so good Saturday night.
You may notice some pictures now.. Glenn showed me how to get them on my blog. Yay. What would I do without him. I figure some pictures would add to this...so you wouldn't be gettin too bored when there's nothing really exciting goin on..like today. I got a lot to do today. I orderd me new hair, I hope I like it better than my fake hair I have now. I washed it last night and I think that's what it needed. It is alot softer now and shinier. I should of done that last week!!!
I am working on Abbey today...our dog...she is afraid to walk on the wood floor..so the past couple years she just skated across it frantically from rug to rug. So today I got her leash and have been making her walk up and down the hallways. Slowly and gently of course. I move the rug from in front of the door she goes in and out of...I wonder what she'll do? Isn't this what Ceasar would do?
God has been so good to me and my family this week. Of course I do not leave Him out of any of this. To him be the Glory!!!!
OK...going to finish my yummy oatmeal....shower, don my hair and get some stuff done.
Hope everyone has a great Monday!!!
Loves and Hugs...Mel
"For nothing is impossible with God" Luke 1:37
I have not seen the sun for several days...(and I take medication for that). My Derek came home for a visit. He stayed at my house. He usually doesn't do that...he usually stays at Katie's...I think he misses me!! It was so good to see him and talk to him and be able know that he is alright. WE had a great weekend being all together. Momma's chicken dumplings, Sharon's pintos we all so good Saturday night.
You may notice some pictures now.. Glenn showed me how to get them on my blog. Yay. What would I do without him. I figure some pictures would add to this...so you wouldn't be gettin too bored when there's nothing really exciting goin on..like today. I got a lot to do today. I orderd me new hair, I hope I like it better than my fake hair I have now. I washed it last night and I think that's what it needed. It is alot softer now and shinier. I should of done that last week!!!
I am working on Abbey today...our dog...she is afraid to walk on the wood floor..so the past couple years she just skated across it frantically from rug to rug. So today I got her leash and have been making her walk up and down the hallways. Slowly and gently of course. I move the rug from in front of the door she goes in and out of...I wonder what she'll do? Isn't this what Ceasar would do?
God has been so good to me and my family this week. Of course I do not leave Him out of any of this. To him be the Glory!!!!
OK...going to finish my yummy oatmeal....shower, don my hair and get some stuff done.
Hope everyone has a great Monday!!!
Loves and Hugs...Mel
"For nothing is impossible with God" Luke 1:37
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
good food, good times
TGIF dear friends. I told Glenn this as he was leaving this morning...he said "well everyday is Friday to you". I proceeded to tell him that while yes this is partly true...I have not been working at a job all week, that it is sill good to have a weekend. My son Derek is coming home to stay with us this weekend, I will go to MOCO tomorrow and have chicken dumplings with all my family. The weekends is what I do...spend time with family and friends and enjoy being together.
I just cannot tell you how blessed I am to be feeling good. This week has been a just a little different than last month's treatment. I have been a little more queasy and a little more shaky than last time. But for some reason...that has not kept me from eating !!! I ate a whole pizza last night! Well...not a big one...but one of those Frescetta flat bread, veggie with the feta cheese, sun roasted tomatoes....oh it was dilish!!!! I think my body can tell when it needs nourishment...funny how when I get shaky, like now, and I go eat, I feel better. I didn't realize I really need to feed me...so often...good stuff. The chemo puts your metabolism in warp speed. So every two hours it is saying "feed me" protein!!!!!
I told Glenn we were going to start eating way healthier. We already do pretty good. He is always telling me we need "normal food" in the house...oh.....he means like chips, a bag of already cooked chicken, some junk. I don't buy much junk at all and haven't for a while. I really try to make everything and not buy prepared foods.
So when I went to the grocery yesterday..my cart looked like I was shopping for a vegan's diet. I had bean sprouts, spinach, eggplant...not sure what I'm going to do with that yet.....letuce, broccoli, cauliflour...organic carrots. Yes I swing organic on a lot of things. Remember the pesticides? We will be eating more veggies and do not I repeat do not ever bring any more grocery store meat such as burger and hormone, preservative filled chicken into my house! It is not normal for a chicken breast to be the size of half a chicken!!!! Glenn got them because they were on sale... ok this time but never again!!!!
I am a Hilltop Angus Grassfed Beef, Pastured Pork, normal chickens, kind of girl. (plug for my peeps)
I do believe that what we eat affects our bodies. So I am learning a lot about what I do not want nor my family to be ingesting. My garden plans are growing for this Spring. I want to know what my food has in it. Sorry...didn't mean to preach....I just have alot of time for thought and action these days.
So tomorrow all us younguns will be going to Mt Gilead for some of my Mama's chicken n dumplings, pintos and cornbread for supper. Now that is what I call a good time, good food and what family is for. I do not know what I would do with out my family. I love ya'll!!!
ok..so everyone have a great weekend. Count your blessings, never take a day for granted and give thanks to God for all we are blessed with.
Love and hugs... Mel
For you Bless the Godly, Oh Lord, surrounding them with your shield. Psalms 5:12
I just cannot tell you how blessed I am to be feeling good. This week has been a just a little different than last month's treatment. I have been a little more queasy and a little more shaky than last time. But for some reason...that has not kept me from eating !!! I ate a whole pizza last night! Well...not a big one...but one of those Frescetta flat bread, veggie with the feta cheese, sun roasted tomatoes....oh it was dilish!!!! I think my body can tell when it needs nourishment...funny how when I get shaky, like now, and I go eat, I feel better. I didn't realize I really need to feed me...so often...good stuff. The chemo puts your metabolism in warp speed. So every two hours it is saying "feed me" protein!!!!!
I told Glenn we were going to start eating way healthier. We already do pretty good. He is always telling me we need "normal food" in the house...oh.....he means like chips, a bag of already cooked chicken, some junk. I don't buy much junk at all and haven't for a while. I really try to make everything and not buy prepared foods.
So when I went to the grocery yesterday..my cart looked like I was shopping for a vegan's diet. I had bean sprouts, spinach, eggplant...not sure what I'm going to do with that yet.....letuce, broccoli, cauliflour...organic carrots. Yes I swing organic on a lot of things. Remember the pesticides? We will be eating more veggies and do not I repeat do not ever bring any more grocery store meat such as burger and hormone, preservative filled chicken into my house! It is not normal for a chicken breast to be the size of half a chicken!!!! Glenn got them because they were on sale... ok this time but never again!!!!
I am a Hilltop Angus Grassfed Beef, Pastured Pork, normal chickens, kind of girl. (plug for my peeps)
I do believe that what we eat affects our bodies. So I am learning a lot about what I do not want nor my family to be ingesting. My garden plans are growing for this Spring. I want to know what my food has in it. Sorry...didn't mean to preach....I just have alot of time for thought and action these days.
So tomorrow all us younguns will be going to Mt Gilead for some of my Mama's chicken n dumplings, pintos and cornbread for supper. Now that is what I call a good time, good food and what family is for. I do not know what I would do with out my family. I love ya'll!!!
ok..so everyone have a great weekend. Count your blessings, never take a day for granted and give thanks to God for all we are blessed with.
Love and hugs... Mel
For you Bless the Godly, Oh Lord, surrounding them with your shield. Psalms 5:12
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The Bald and The Blind
Well..this post is making me laugh....out loud! Poor Glennie Pooh..he had his cataract surgery on Monday. All went well. I went back with him yesterday for his followup visit with his doctor. He said that his cataract was really bad..he even said that once he was in the eye that it got "dicey" for a minute. (I'm not sure how to spell this word). He explained that the cataract had gotten so bad that it had grown on the underside of the lens and was putting alot of pressure on his eye. They had to remove it carefully and if it slipped it could of caused some pretty bad eye damage.
He can see!!!! He is just elated at the dimensions of color and depth that he had been without for almost 2 years. He really was like a blind person. Thank goodness we got him to the right doctor.
Ok...that was the blind side...now the bald side. I was tired of having a few fuzzies and sprigs still hanging on to my mostly bald head so I decided to get the clippers and buss it on down. Must say it looks much better. Ya know..you really never notice your face until you have no hair! My goodness where did THAT line come from?
So another humorous end to our day...can't you see it now Prymatt and Beldar..."good night..have a good sleep phase". Glenn in his eye patch and CPAP...me in my glories state of baldness ..reminding me of the coneheads lololol!! MIP!!!! MIP!!!!!!
Have a great day!! Mel
He can see!!!! He is just elated at the dimensions of color and depth that he had been without for almost 2 years. He really was like a blind person. Thank goodness we got him to the right doctor.
Ok...that was the blind side...now the bald side. I was tired of having a few fuzzies and sprigs still hanging on to my mostly bald head so I decided to get the clippers and buss it on down. Must say it looks much better. Ya know..you really never notice your face until you have no hair! My goodness where did THAT line come from?
So another humorous end to our day...can't you see it now Prymatt and Beldar..."good night..have a good sleep phase". Glenn in his eye patch and CPAP...me in my glories state of baldness ..reminding me of the coneheads lololol!! MIP!!!! MIP!!!!!!
Have a great day!! Mel
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