Today I am just confused. I get up each morning and I usually have certain tasks to do. I hardly ever have a day that I don't have to go somewhere to take care of some kind of business, go to work for a few hours, go to Katie's and help her with something....I am glad to be able to do these things. That's why I am confused. I thought I would be home bound and sickly and not able to do these things.
I am able to do these things..without any problems. I forget that I have a disease, I have a sickness. I have cancer..( oh I hate to even type that out). I' m so thankful to be able to do almost anything I want. Then, I look in the mirror and see my self. Reality comes creeping back. I have no hair. I am bald. I have two scars on my breast. I have this hard weird thing sticking out just under my skin like a little alien waiting to pop out. It's purpose ....to hook up the drugs that poison my body, to kill the bad cells and it kills the good cells. I see a stranger.
Life goes on for everyone around me. Mine goes on, but it has changed. Most days I feel great! Then why do I feel like a prisoner? I feel confined in many ways. If I want to go out and not look like a "cancer patient"...I have to put my wig on...which I have grown to hate. I feel so fake in it. Or I can put one of my many hats on....that really looks obvious. I could go natural! Make a bold statement! Then I would look like a freak and everyone would look the other way or smile at me pitifully.
I try to keep busy. There is always stuff to do in the house...ya know laundry, dishes, cooking... I love being at home. Some days I am busy but I don't really know what I do? Alot of days I find myself just sitting looking out the window and just contemplating....things. I have made myself a "my place". I have a desk in the extra room. I made it personal with my own special books, basket, candle, lamp, calendar. I like sitting there with my computer. I do alot of work there. I am there right now. It is calming. It is my space.!
Sometimes I may feel something like a numbness, or a heaviness, or a headache and I wonder if that is the chemo or am I just paranoid, or is it just my imagination? I don't know.
I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I have had two treatments. 14 to go...14!!!!!! 6 months worth!!!!! Will I get to go to the beach this Spring and Summer? I will have to be covered from head to toe!! Will I be more sick? Will I feel great? I don't know!!!! I may not can go back to work and do my regular job, which is work with sick people, for 6 months!!!!! I love my job!!! I miss it!!!
Ok so, back to reality for now. I was a avid gym goer, up until December. I surely can't go back to the gym in the cess pool of bacteria and germs. I have gotten soft and weak. I want to be strong and healthy. A great person from the gym said he would come to my house and help me with some workout routines I can do at home. Isn't that awesome! There are really kind and generous people in this world.
So I have chosen to not sit around waiting to see what is going to happen. I am going to do what I want..within reason..I still have the germ Nazi's watching. Today I start..I am working a few hours this afternoon, first workout tonight. I may wear a hat to work today...who cares? I have no hair..it is what it is. I can't change that.
So I keep reminding myself, in one year my detour will be over..I will be back on the familiar road of life. It might not be normal because what is normal?...it is just life.
Loves and hugs....Mel
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