chuck..reality

I know I already posted one time today, when it was early and it was going to be a good day.  Well things have changed in the past hour and I feel I need to vent this out.  I appreciate everyone who is sharing this journey with me and reading my blog.  You have inspired me by your words of encouragement.

I have tried to be positive most all the time, but today I am not.  I started this blogging to share with others and to help myself.  I knew it was not always going to be  easy or fun or good things to blog about.  So, if you get grossed out about things, or can't stand hearing about what it is really like to have chuck (cancer) then I do not blame you if can't read it all the time.  Truth is I am doing this for me.  Don't be sad for me....I am pissed!!!

I had planned on going into work for a few hours this afternoon.  I feel great!!!  I took Abbey for a walk...came in and took a shower.  I washed my short little nubby head... then I looked down and hair was all over my arms!  I freaked!  I knew what it was.  I started scrubbing my head as hard as I could I wanted it gone...NOW!   I could feel all the sensitive places..remember how earlier I said it felt like you had a head sunburn?  I knew those were the places it was coming from.  I rubbed and rinsed , rubbed and rinsed..it still came.  It was on my face and in my mouth.  What do I do?  Do I keep rubbing or do I stop?  I don't know! I never had to do this before.   I started bawling like a baby.  I thought I would be ready for this moment.  Guess not. So I rinsed all me off best I could.  I grabbed a towel and wrapped around my head.   I could not look.  I dried off..some hair was stuck on me in places.  So what do I do/  Somebody tell me.  I cried some more then got mad!

How dare this horrible disease.  Look what you are doing to me.  I don't even want to acknowledge it by even mentioning it.  It has stopped my life as I once knew it.  It has stopped my family's life as they once knew it.    I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I hate covering up my head.  Hats and the wig sometimes make my head sore.  I don't want to be bald.  I am ugly.  I want to get up and go to work like I used to.  I want be able to go out for a  walk and not cover my head.  I want to help my daughter enjoy planning her wedding.   I want to go see my son..but I don't know what weekend I will feel good.  I want  to with visit my parents without seeing the look of sadness in their eyes.   I want to love my husband the way he deserves..but I feel unlovable.


Ok  I am really having a pity party right now.  I know that's alright to do because I can really feel how ever I want to.  I haven't forgotten God  is in control.  He expects us to be mad once in a while. He himself was at times.  Just not mad at Him.

So I will try to have a more positive spirit..later...maybe...this is only the beginning.  You know how when you give your dog a bath in the bathtub because it is to cold outside.. then you  look in the drain you have all this short hair everywhere....that's me.  

I just keep telling myself...this is just one of those big bumps in the darn road detour!

Thanks for listening.  Mel